Level 1 — Mild inconvenience
Wi-Fi is slightly slower than usual, or the printer is making a noise you have decided to ignore. Solution: restart the router and pretend it helped.
Emergency severity levels
Not every dropped packet is a catastrophe. Use this guide to classify your incident correctly.
Level 2 — Moderate panic
One device cannot connect. You have already turned it off and on twice. Report via email after checking whether aeroplane mode is on.
Level 3 — Existential threat
The entire room is offline. Kettle still works, which is the only reason morale remains stable. Ping the network page and await divine intervention.
Level 4 — Cat on keyboard
A full-scale bio-digital incident. Do not attempt to resolve alone. Offer treats and gently relocate the threat actor.
How to report
For fastest resolution, include the time of the incident, the device affected, and whether you have already tried turning it off and on again.
- Confirm the kettle is still operational.
- Open a support ticket by sending an email.
- Wait patiently while I finish my current task.
- Receive a solution, an apology, or both.
Emergency contacts
- General outage
- outage@megi.co
- Security incident
- panic@megi.co
- Cat-related downtime
- Loud vocalisation from the sofa
- After-hours support
- Leave a note on the fridge